He Left

On June 5th 2009 something I had never imagined happened. I never imagined for one second that I would loose my dad. My dad means the world to me. Loosing my dad never crossed my mind. It never occured to me that I might loose him. When I got a call that he was not breathing, for the first time in my life, the possibility of life without him flashed before me. In about 30 minutes, He was proclaimed dead.

I know where he is, I have no doubt that he is in a better place. What bothers me is the possibility that he knew he was going and did not say goodbye to me. In one way or another, he said goodbye to people in and outside the country but why not me? Did he think about me? How long did he have the feeling? He must have known that I'd miss him alot, but why didn't he stop to say goodbye? why didn't I call him often, perhaps if I did he might have told me or hinted it to some extent. My mom said he had mentioned one day that "Nene does not visit often anymore" Was he saddened by that? we had a lovely relationship, he would have told me right? but He didn't. My dad did not speak to me before he died, even if he might have known that he was dying.... that hurts me above anything else. I'm not bitter, I'm just hurt. It would have helped me? or would it? I think it would have.

I remember him... I remember the way he calls me, I remember his smile and how he pouts his lips, they were pink. I remember his face with his glasses and how quiet he was. I remember how he walked somewhat confidently and yet very humble. How he liked jokes and his smile with his "scattered teeth" he had a lovely smile. I also remember his laugh.. somewhat mischevious, he did have some mischief in him.

He really couldn't scold me, I was very aware of it, but I never took advantage of it. My dad loved me a great deal, it was obvious, I could feel it and I loved him with all of my heart and I still do.

I walked into his room, I wanted so badly to feel his presence, I went and smelled his clothes ... he had a lot of them, thanks to mom. I smelt him and that was the closest I could get to feeling him.

For the first time ever, the whole family was present execept my dad, it was obvious. I felt the void, it was unbelievable!

When I was younger and he was about to travel, I would walk up to him and give him a peck, he absolutely loved that! He loved to be taken care of, he was what we called "aje butter".

I can't believe my dad is dead, I could tell him anything. No matter what happened or what I did, I knew he believed in me, he had faith in me and that gave me confidence.

I keep thinking, he died and left me? he did, didn't he think of me? Right before he died, did he see me, think of me? what went through his mind or was he just too excited to leave regardless? I wish I knew the answers to these because I would feel alot better.

I can't believe I'm saying goodbye to my father, my dearest friend, my lovely lovely father!