Dad, I remember you, I miss you and though my heart has healed a great deal, I still can’t believe that the next time I see you will be when I get to heaven or in the sky depending on when my time is up.
No one understands dad, they care, they probably wish they understood, they sincerely want to help, but dad they don’t understand and we both know that only God understands how I feel…
Dad, even when I don’t feel like it, I see flashes of your face in my mind… sometimes I try so hard not to remember because each time hurts just as much. However, I must admit that today (2010-03-10) I listened to the song; the Chinwe Ike song that plays on your memorial website and some other songs on that CD… since your death, I haven’t been able to listen to the songs without breaking down, but I listened to them today, I felt the tears but I pulled through, I think it’s a big deal… I’ve improved
Dad, I must say… I feel shorthanded. You meant the whole world to me and you didn’t get to see the best parts of my adult life… just after you left, I grew into the young woman the last birthday card you gave me spoke of… how I was once a lil girl and now grown into a young lady you are proud of. Dad, I’ve really grown up within the last year (since you left). My life and dreams are very different now. You really were the only one whom I could share these things with, I can’t afford to leave my life like you are still here, you were my audience, my world, who loved me genuinely without ever judging me even in my craziest state, you thought I was the coolest , most fascinating person, but you changed everything when you left. I keep thinking, did you think of me at all before you left, did you see my face, did you imagine how Nene would cope…or was it too sudden even for you?
You were the only one who could tolerate me without a shadow of doubt. The truth is, with you I had no guards, but now it’s like I have no emotions except when I think of you, more like my heart is so wounded that it can’t be more wounded. The good thing though is that my solace is in God, I have gone deeper into God, He is now my everything and I’m learning to treat Him like you… my father. I must say, He is doing a better job, just because I know He’d never leave me and my secrets are safe with Him like they were with you. God doesn’t judge me, he tolerates me and never loses his temper with me… you know how I get? Well God is very patient with me just like you were. I started called him daddy recently, you know, not Father like everyone calls him without even treating Him like one... I call him daddy now and it feels so great.
Dad, who am I kidding, only God can read this, you can’t, you are having so much fun in heaven, you probably don’t even remember me anymore, you know how heaven is.. there is so much joy to be sorrowful, and I’m here, reminded everyday that my most precious isn’t here anymore and trying my best by God’s grace to leave life normally. Dad, one day I’d get to heaven, one day I’d see you again and I can just imagine my reaction… you won’t be my father then, but I know we’d recognize each other… I’d run towards you and throw my hands around you and give you all the hugs and kisses I’d have stored up for you all through the years
I dream of you quite often saying you don’t want to leave me but you have to go, and I, trying to convince you that you should not go… the last was quite heartbreaking, I told you to have faith and I even went on prove to you the workings of faith, then I woke up crying.. **shakes head** God help me.
I can’t get over throwing the sand into your casket… can you imagine, dad? Me? Nene? Throwing sand, not even ordinary sand o! the red Ozubulu muddy sand on you, because dust has to go back to dust and ashes to ashes… I did it twice, one for mom and the other for Obi. The second time, I tried to avoid throwing the sand on the casket but to the side, because I could not stand the sound of the earth hitting the casket. Dad I’m tortured for real… and people don’t understand why I leave my life solely for God now, my whole life revolves around God, but why not? it is only in Him that I feel good, outside of Him, I’m terribly destitute and you know me, I don’t like sad things, I like to be happy, joyful and delighted…
I’d hate to say that you being gone is not fair, because God’s purposes are the best. One day I’d get to understand why and I’m sure I’d absolutely understand. Besides everything, my daddy who is also yours and whom you see firsthand has been so gracious to me, mom, amaka, uche, obi and chibu and their families. Dad, I have to stop now and get back to work. You know we still have to work here **laughs** ooh I have something quite interesting to tell you… but we’d keep it for another time…
Give everyone a holy kiss for me… I wonder what God calls me in heaven.. I’d get to know soon.
See you soon, dad!
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